What an experience: I felt the heavens at my head and the hells at my feet. The earth sucked all my energy until there was none but a small particle of dust was left. I know my body wanted to float up away into the blue azure night, but its weight would not allow it. I am still light-headed as I write this. I also remember my lips began to suckle--on what I do not know--and at the same moment flashes of indigo lit my eyes.
[passage omitted relating to O.T.O. initiation. . .]
Expansion is what I felt. Oh how heavy my body was, and at the same time how light. What a wonderful ritual; it really worked. Maybe I was suckling on the cup of Babalon or Nuit's breast. Visions of ceremonies in which I had participated flashed before me. The future was dark and chaotic--machinery, death, but a faint spark of love still lingered like candlelight, for those who needed it could find the cross and all could come to witness the beauty of the new world. As I came back to the physical world, I found it really hard to open my eyes, to move my hands and arms. I wanted to stay enclosed in the darkness... I could feel its warmth. It was like dying to live for a brief moment. Perhaps crossing to some foreign place. What a wonderful feeling. I want to do more work like this.
March 25, 1996 [shin]
Slowly I turn about in the dark shadows of black, turning and feeling the different kinds of blackness--I slowly started to move forward as though swimming laps as I come closer I am shot through an opening like a mouth has opended to allow me to pass to the next gate--flashes of light--reds, yellows, oranges, bright caress my body.
Silks of various reds are draped on my body and I enter a room. In the middle is an altar with roses and on each side stands a winged lion, there is a 20-foot snake slithering around the marble floor. As I walk up the steps to partake of the holy grail: I lift it to my lips, I see bright red blood, but instead of drinking it I begin to pour it on my head, and a bounty of rose petals cover my face and breasts.
I look to the East and there are three beautiful women, their skin a red fiery color--their eyes are like clear blue pools. Their naked bodies are chained together and they slide and writhe all over one another, screaming in ecstasy. Oh, what a glorious sight.
Then I am beckoned by the winged lion to ride on his back. He has imparted things he says I must see--I mount him and I clasp my thighs hard around him, and I can feel the warmth of his body between my legs. I am aroused. We fly overlooking the changed landscape, going through tunnels of visions--but everything is too fast for me to really see these important things...
So I then form wings of my own, and a white-haired angel with perfect breasts and a sword flies me upward into the clouds. She shows me where all the gods sit and I realize there is nothing like the chairs I see before me, andorned in rich jewels and so beautiful. I then leave the angel and fly down to meet the winged lion, and he brings me to the pyramid and the Eye or Horos is illuminated above--I then realize I'm starting to awaken and my journey is over. The Tree of Life is visible before me as I slowly come to...
[April 15, 1996] [resh]
Wow--it really took my breath away: the visions unfolded like doors of light, a blaze of white, red, orange, and yellow slamming through my body with force and vigor. Then I had arrived.
Gold columns, houses, floors, as though Midas himself had touched everything around. A king of greast beauty stood, half-clad, his penis erect--he was stroking it slowly, and as I watched I could feel my breathing quicken. I looked over to the massive bed of silks and pillows and a lovely maiden lay awaiting her king--her legs open for recieving. The king stood before her ready to open the gate of likfe and joy and his penis turned to gold. Oh she liked it, and as they writhed and screamed underneath one another their sexual fluids streamed into a puddle of pure gold...
I looked to the East and a great Hawk of Gold sat perched on the sill. He bore a clover leaf in his beak that was also gold. I proceeded over to Horus and got on his back. He took flight into the brilliant sun, and slam! Rain poured and poured and clouds rolled and thundered. The sky became black and no light could be seen.
I rode Horus to a mountain. A city was washed away by the rain and it lay in ruins. It was time to explore what was within the walls of the unknown and the dead. In the middle of a room--sort of a temple but hardly recognizable--was a box, a very large box. And inside the box were tools and weapons of a magician: a grail of gold and one of silver, paten, sword, dagger, crystal balls and beautiful robes. And a voice said "Ye shall bury thy goods and someday a great magician shall find them. There is not one who will come but many who will know what to do."
Then I looked up and saw a beautiful pool of orange water. I dove in and its warmth wrapped itself around my body and many beautiful naked men and women were lying on cliffs. The Sun was setting and people were watching the sunset, and animals of all sorts were too. A lion walked with a black panther as a mate, and this was not strange. And in the heaven I could see angels flying towards the sun. At that moment I started to awake and wish that I was a great painter to paint the vision I had experienced.